Real Life: I live in the Woods (First Edition)

Hello, Blog Readers! 

Once again we apologize for being slow in posting. We currently are at mile 1,405 in New York. This post is not going to be a traditional update (those are so tedious for us…), we will post another list update in a few weeks. This is a post about life in the woods. Disclaimer: there won’t be as many pics as usual for two reasons. First, we are too busy scaling rocks to take pictures, and second, uploading too many pictures over LTE crashes WordPress 😓 The good news is all said pics are on Facebook and Instagram (@teresajellybina and @hipsosh) 😍

LIFE IN THE WOODS, a kind of sarcastic adventure by Moonbow aka Teresa 

So, there I am sitting in my office, thinking about how beautiful and romantic it’s gonna be when I quit this life and go and live in the woods for 6 months.  It’s gonna be like goddamn Walden Pond or Into The Wild (minus the dying) out there.  ANYWAY, we have been at this for over 4 months, and let me tell you, it’s not all roses living in the woods. Don’t get me wrong; I love this freedom, I love this life. This sure as hell beats sitting in a office, or being in a car, or anything, really. It’s an incredible life. However let’s be real about some Truths About Living in the Woods. Here you go: 

 

SMELLS. When you live in the woods, what you will notice as the least sexy part is probably the smell. Let me offer a short description: imagine you have a pair of socks. What a lovely pair of socks. Then you wear said socks everyday all day for about a week. It’s very sweaty. Then you throw those socks into the bottom of a dirty laundry and then forget about them for who knows how long. Then you take those socks and bury them in the ground and ferment them, as if you made some sort of kimchi. Then you take those sweaty, fermented, stinky socks out. How you may imagine those babies smell is exactly how you, your clothes and especially your backpack smells when you live in the woods. YUM

EX: I literally made a women on the freaking NEW YORK CITY subway gag when me and my bag sat next to her 

 

maybe not quite how we LOOK, but how we smell…

 
ALL THE EPIPHANIES… That aren’t happening. So you think, “imma be living in the woods and having so many mental breakthroughs and writing it all down and solving all my problems and all the worlds problems and goddamn I am a genius”. In reality, it’s more like this inside my brain “step here, avoid rock here, climb here, avoid rock here, breathe, OMG can’t breath! this hurts, avoid rock, *taylor swift lyric* here, avoid rock here, watch for roots, watch for rocks, watch for roots, watch for slippery dirt, *katy perry lyric* watch for rock, avoid root here, I hope Lisa isn’t lost, avoid falling” at the end of the day, a minimum of 15 miles, you do actually have some new thoughts! They are “food food food food sleep sleep sleep”

 

katy or taylor on this climb?

 
BODY STUFF. poop happens, and you gotta poop in a hole. Sometimes, there is no way to dig a hole but you gotta go and so you shamefully hide it under a rock. Thru hikers– don’t even pretend you haven’t done this. Sometimes a State Park or another place along the trail has “porcelain” and then you truly do feel you worship the Porcelain God. Also, you will see all your friends doing number one all the time, and occasionally number two. Nice. For example, below is a disgusting scab that me and all my friends lovingly watched grow upon my leg then fall off. 

 

should have put it on a necklace

 
WOOD FOODS: not to be confused with WHOLE foods, this is a much more bougie diet.  Peanut butter, Tuna, Ramen, all day errday.  (Except the days your mamas send you AMAZING resupplies) 

  

BOUNDARIES… That you will lose so quickly and wonder how you ever had in first place. Life in the Woods is sort of life living in a traveling commune with your fellow Woods Dwellers. Boundaries become something foreign, of another world, even silly. Soon you will wonder why you even considered holding that fart in around your traveling companions. One day you find yourselves discussing that mornings poo that you all saw each other walk separate ways out of camp for, and the next comparing “weird poops”. You will discuss topics you always found taboo, you will reach a level of comfort you didnt know was possible with people you’ve only known a few months and you will certainly see a pair or two of trail boobs… Or be the trail boobs that are seen. 

 

poop jokes are everywhere

 
REAL LIFE SOCIAL SKILLS … You will forget them. I don’t know if I know how to interact with non-trail humans. What do we talk about??? I literally walked up to a random park ranger without introducing myself and said “how do I get this job”. Social skills begin to fail all of us out here. Life in the Woods is different. We can form a relationship talking about rocks for goodness sake…. What do normal humans talk about (geologists aside 😂) 

 

what to say to you, Normal Human?

 
MANNERS AND STANDARDS. These will be things that are only a distant memory. When you live in the woods burping, farting, talking about sex loudly are all completely acceptable around fellow Woods People. You forget this when in, say, a crowded restaurant or a swim beach full of tiny humans aka children. Standards will be a distant dream. Suddenly that shitty hotel you never would dream of staying in is a castle, and you won’t think twice about giving your pits a quick clean in a public restroom.  You will eat food a stranger leaves along the trail for you, you will eat hostess and an array of other filth you wouldn’t be caught dead eating IRL And one-stop, cheap shops like dollar general and Walmart are literally the only places you ever shop. Also, speaking of Walmart, you will spend way more time than necessary here all the time due to it having an overwhelming number of options for your Woods Person brain, and also free AC. You will also become a professional loiterer, at Walmart… And any place with free outlets.. 

 

straight up prpfessional loitering

 
Ah, the woods. Such a beautiful place. In the end, all the weird, smelly parts of your life are worth it cause you’re happy, free and waking up in/  walking in/ LIVING IN  in places like this: 

 

   

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

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